


The Violet Hour

by updatepls



Series: I Love That Lavender Blonde [2]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, ok but i love this a lot and i have no idea why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4296969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/updatepls/pseuds/updatepls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel and Sarah come to an understanding. </p><p>(You may notice that this story belongs to a series, however, it is an entirely stand-alone oneshot and is 100% able to be read on its own)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Violet Hour

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while listening to "I Lived Here" and "Maria Altman" from the Woman In Gold OST by Martin Phipps, and I feel like the tone has been heavily influenced by them, so if you wanted to listen, there you go :)
> 
> Oh, and there's a line that I realise sounds rather dubcon, although it's intended as more just Standard Propunk than anything. I assure you, both parties are very consenting.

There's absolutely nothing about Sarah that Rachel likes. She's messy and she's angry and when she stays over she leaves strands of her hair in Rachel's bed; she barely brushes it and they simply fall out wherever they please, as opposed to being collected in a comb like a normal person.

She pushes into the shower with Rachel, doesn't give Rachel a choice, just closes the steamy glass door behind her and presses their bodies together. And Rachel feels dirtier leaving than when she'd gotten in.

Sarah is like a wild animal, and she roams Rachel's kitchen at night, opening packets of things that are meant to be cooked and eating their contents raw; making cups of coffee and waking Rachel with the sound of the kettle. She hardly sleeps when she comes over, though she insists she could if she wanted to. But Rachel thinks it is just that she cannot sleep when it is Rachel she is sleeping next to.

There may be nothing about Sarah that Rachel likes, but still she wishes that Sarah could find rest beneath her sheets, if only for the fact that most mornings she has a meeting before 9 AM.

Sarah slides back under the duvet and it makes a crinkling noise (that's what you get for being ridiculously pretentious; Egyptian cotton and goose feathers, perfectly heavenly to the touch, but loud as hell), and Rachel pretends it is enough to wake her. Though truthfully she had woken as soon as Sarah had stepped inside the room, noisy like she is.

Sarah slides back under the duvet, and she's licking her fingers, and Rachel thinks it smells like marmalade.

It's completely dark - pitch black, really - and Rachel's annoyance combined with not actually being able to be _seen_ allows her to turn over and face Sarah.

"Shit, I woke you. Sorry." Sarah says it like she really _is_ sorry, but like it's such a common occurrence that she's lost most of her sincerity.

Rachel doesn't answer that, just says solemnly, "Sarah."

Sarah sighs - but not really at the conversation and more at her unceasing insomnia - and turns her head to face Rachel. She can't see her, but then she can't really see anything, though if she could there's a good chance she would be making eye contact with Rachel, who is also looking in the direction that she assumes Sarah's face to be.

Sarah says tersely, "What?"

Rachel draws her lower lip between her teeth for a second, and her voice is truly smaller than Sarah has ever heard it when at last she says, "Why are you here?"

Although maybe _small_ is the wrong word. It's still rich and low and fluid like it always is, but it's quieter. Stable, very stable, but less confident somehow.

And Sarah feels completely blank. So caught off guard that no emotion is roused at all. She knows the answer no more than Rachel does and it stops her from being able to feel - at least in those few seconds anyway. But then something creeps up on her, a strange flutter of anxiety, because really Sarah can think of no other reason than that she must... _like_ Rachel. (Even to herself - even in her own head - Sarah cannot utter that other word.)

There's no answer which Sarah is willing to give, so instead she props herself up on one elbow and rests her hand across Rachel's pillow, tries to gauge how far away she is so she can touch her in some way. But then Sarah is stopped, because beneath her hand, Rachel's pillow is wet. Just a little here and there, but wet nonetheless, and sensing Sarah moving closer, Rachel moves further away, says very coldly indeed, "Go."

And, frozen where she is, Sarah is met with a whole _new_ feeling. This one creeps up on her much like the first, but now it is accompanied by a strange sort of warmth, as opposed to feelings of anxiety. 

It is terrifying to love someone that does not love you back, but not terrifying at all to fall for someone that feels exactly the same. In fact, it is one of the least terrifying things in the world. And Sarah is unstuck from her momentary stupor, says, "I stay for the same reason you let me."

For all the weight in her words, _still_ Sarah cannot say it - will probably _never_ say it - and nor will Rachel. But then neither of them has ever been a woman of many words. Though they _have_  both always been women of great intuition; women who do not _need_ words, so astute and perceiving are they. And really, that's how they have survived; how they have _both_ survived. Assessing the situation with unspeakable accuracy and then making the most of it, making it into something of their own. Taking from others and giving to self, taking and taking and taking to fill the hole inside themselves.

Of course two holes the same size and the same shape cannot fill each other, but they can understand one another. Can keep each other company. And Rachel doesn't want to sleep in this bed alone, sleep with a big empty hole and no one next to her to see it and a void to match.

So she reaches back for Sarah, moves cautiously in the dark until suddenly her fingers come up against Sarah's warmth. She's wearing shorts, for it is summer at the moment, and Rachel skates her palm over the smoothness of Sarah's thigh. Raises herself up on her knees and inches closer to where she now knows Sarah must be sitting, doesn't let her hands break contact. And Sarah wonders if this is even Rachel. Thinks, the morning will come and Rachel will tell her to get out again, will shove her out of the shower and make her leave with neither breakfast nor a kiss. But maybe it doesn't matter.

Sarah puts a hand on Rachel's waist and tilts her head up to meet her lips. Rachel's got Sarah's face between her hands and usually, her nails would dig into Sarah's skin, would leave bruise marks and bite marks and marks of unabashed aggression. But now - now Sarah hardly knows her.

It's still very dark and when Rachel kisses her it's on the corner of her mouth, but so gentle is it that it doesn't matter; is as though it might have even been on purpose. Slowly, Rachel corrects herself, and Sarah parts her lips, which in turn also bring Rachel's further apart. And they just sit there, kissing in the dark. Rachel on her knees and leaning down and Sarah half-sitting and propped up on her arms.

And in the morning, Sarah will make it so that Rachel doesn't have to drive her out. She'll leave on her own; thinks that if she isn't there when Rachel wakes up she will be less likely to regret it, regret _this_.

She'll come back later though, and Rachel will probably bite her lip and claw her back and end up drawing blood from _somewhere_... but Sarah thinks it will be a game. It will be a game, and not a gruelling round of war. It will be the way they _are_ , but it will not sting her heart; merely sting her skin.  

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the story is borrowed from a song of the same name by Sea Wolf, which just happens to have very fitting lyrics! Also I liked that lavender and violet are both shades of purple, so :) 
> 
> Please leave a comment or a kudos if you liked!! It means more than you can know <3


End file.
